Should I Be Jealous Of His Ex?
by Claire Casey
Every time you see her it makes you sick at your stomach. You’d like to get your hands around her scrawny little neck and… Wait. She doesn’t have him any more; you do. So why do you still feel like a can of hairspray in a campfire every time you think of her?
Jealousy can be like a bottle of Diet Coke and Mentos with a splash of strychnine; explosive and deadly all at the same time. You don’t feel in control of it; even YOU are shocked every time you look down and see a bubbling rage cocktail in your hand. Don’t you wish you could stop your feelings from being yanked around this way?
Guess what? You can.
Do an honest evaluation of your current relationship.
Your jealousy radar goes off because it’s telling you that there’s something wrong; your job is to figure out where the “wrong” is coming from so that you can make a decision about how to fix it. Sometimes the issue is with him; sometimes it’s with you.
Take an honest look at your fears and suspicions. Is there secretive behavior going on that makes you think he may still be with her even though he said he was exclusively committed to you? Has he recently been through some dramatic behavior changes (ie, losing weight, discovering new tastes and preferences, fresh appearance) that you can’t find an explanation for? Has there been a radical change in your sexual relationship? If so, you may need to consider whether he’s cheating with his ex. In that case, say “thank you” to your jealousy radar and start dealing directly with the bigger issue.
Alternatively, are you consistently one of his top priorities? Does he build you up, value your opinion, and want what’s best for you? Does he keep his promises? Do you feel awesome when you’re with him? If so, it’s definitely worth taking the time to figure out how to get this jealous monkey off your back. Keep reading…
Tell him how it makes you feel (and remind him of what he has in you).
Frequently you experience jealousy because he mentions her in conversations, even though he’s promised you that it’s over between them. This usually just requires a non-dramatic conversation.
Start by telling him how important he is to you, and how much you value your relationship. Then explain that it’s also a bit painful to hear about his ex every time the two of you are together. Tell him you understand how that relationship blew up in his face, and that he’s still trying to deal with the fallout, but that it’s more important than ever to let the past be the past, because he has an amazing, sexy, and brilliant woman sitting right in his lap (heh heh) and you hope he will pay full attention to you.
That works pretty well. 🙂
Reduce your self-doubt
MOST jealousy is about self-doubt, so the very best way to defeat it is to work on your own self-esteem; you gotta really start to love and value yourself. Your man has an incredible catch in you! It’s a wonder you were willing to stop dating all those other boys so that just one man could enjoy all that you have to offer…
Don’t compare yourself to her; cultivate a sense of your own worth and beauty. Focus on your own accomplishments and uniqueness. Follow your passions and take care of yourself. The more you love and are secure in yourself, the easier it will be for you to identify and let him know when he’s out of line.
Every woman is different. How much contact (texting, calling, working with, etc.) with an ex is too much? If you’re recovering from an affair, you may want a “no contact” rule. But if you’re simply dealing with the women he dated before he found you, you may want to be more flexible. If you can find a very specific contact-related guideline that would help calm your feelings of jealousy, communicate that with him! He may not even be aware that simply pulling her out of his Google + circles would make you feel better.
Give him time to win your trust
Take into consideration how long the two of you have been together, because you do need enough time with your man in order to start to feel safe and trust him. And what HE does has an impact on that, of course! Let him work to win your trust, and give him time to do it.
Do you ever feel suspicious that the man in your life is lying or cheating? Do you wish you knew what he was thinking? Visit WhyHeLies to find out why men lie and how to read the signals he gives.
Sending love and my very best to you,
Claire is the author of the amazing best-selling online program “Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.”
She blogs at Ask Claire Casey and devotes her writing to helping you attract the kind of man who will treasure and protect your heart like the rare and beautiful gem it is. You can take Claire’s Love Number Quiz (it’s free) and make this YOUR year for love!
Source: Digital Romance, Inc.