Have you ever seen someone of the opposite sex and felt an instant attraction to them?
Let’s say you meet a friend of a friend at the bar. You just shake hands or exchange names. Nothing more.
But there’s a spark. It’s just the way they hold their beer or how they smile at you when they say hello or when they laugh at your joke and no one else does.
It’s just this feeling, and then it grows. It grows because you start talking to them a little more or perhaps you learn something about them from a mutual friend:
“Oh yeah, he’s very successful.”
“She’s a great woman. Any guy would be lucky to have her.”
And whatever it is, it cinches it. And you’re on the hunt from there on out.
This person leaves an impression on you that you can only describe to your friends later as an instant chemistry.
Sounds great! But I’m here to tell you that it actually isn’t.
The reason?
Why the Chemistry You Think Is There Is Not the Kind You Should Actually Want
When you feel this so-called “instant chemistry” with someone else—this driving, intense connection that you don’t know where came from—you do indeed gain that feeling of connection.
But you lose something else:
Common sense.
Why? Because you have literally altered the state of your consciousness. It’s almost like you’ve swallowed a pill or drank too much vodka.
You’re drunk on “chemistry” and you’re not thinking straight.
This could get you in trouble.
The Question of Lust Vs. Love
Do you know the difference between lust and love?
Here’s a primer:
LUST
- Your heart quickens pace
- You fantasize about this person
- You feel they are THE ONE you were always meant to meet even though you’ve only just met
- You see faults in their character or things you don’t like, but somehow, they seem perfect still because of all the rest
TRUE LOVE
- You may not feel an initial chemistry. It is over time that you grow to have deep feelings for this person
- You’re genuinely interested in getting to know them better
- You enjoy talking to this person
- You don’t feel pressure to be perfect around them
- They motivate you to improve yourself
Alright, let’s get one thing out of the way: It is possible to have instant chemistry with someone. It is possible to meet someone and immediately know that they are the one … only to go on to date, marry, and spend the rest of your life with them.
But we must proclaim here and now that this rarely happens.
Just like Rome was not built in a day, very few great relationships were built in a day. It is extremely uncommon to have instant chemistry with someone and have them also be a wonderful individual who you then go on to spend the rest of your life with.
What Actually Is “Chemistry” Then?
Well, they call it “chemistry” for a reason. It’s chemicals. Chemicals in your brain that make you feel like you are instantly “in love.” And most of the time, these feelings are based on physical factors.
In Women:
- Physical facial beauty
- Accentuated breasts or butt
- Long flowing hair
- Big eyes
- Good skin
- A pleasant smile
- A nice smell
In Men:
- Big muscles
- Height
- A strong jaw line
- Good skin
- A tall, strong posture
- A low voice
- A nice smile
So if Instant Chemistry Isn’t a Good Indicator of True Love … What Should I Look For?
If you would like to have a long-term relationship in your life that is strong, close and successful, here’s what you need to start paying attention to instead of just that instant chemistry.
First of all, you are always going to need to get to know someone better before you can assess whether you two would make a good match. This means … you shouldn’t write people off the moment you see them or the moment they open their mouth. Give ‘em a chance!
A lot of times, great potential mates have a few flaws (Gasp! Yes it’s true!). They aren’t major flaws, but they are flaws that can make these people seem unattractive to potential mates right away (bummer for them).
For example, they might be shy, have “resting bitch face syndrome” or have a frank, blunt way about them that people don’t initially react well to.
These attributes don’t mean that the people behind them are bad choices as partners. It’s just that these particular flaws often keep them at the back of the herd.
So now you know you need to take time getting to know more people.
Next: What to Look For.
- Maturity: Maybe they still love cartoons or like to make childish jokes, but do they have a job? Are they taking care of themselves physically? Do they keep in touch with friends and family?
- A Sense of Humor
- Honesty: Do you catch them in small lies? Do they brag and boast?
- Positivity
- Confidence: You shouldn’t have to hold them up so that they feel good about themselves.
- A Good Work Ethic
- Similarities: The things that should be similar between you two include religious or spiritual philosophies, politics, ideas on kids and raising a family, and in most cases: finances.
- Kindness and Compassion
Want to Learn More?
If you’ve got someone on your hands who you feel could be The One, but you’re stuck between chemistry, true love and hard place, Evan Marc Katz might be able to help.
His blogging on chemistry specifically features a number of informational articles on how the lust/passion/chemistry side of things can actually hurt your chances at a lasting, loving long-term relationship. So check it out to see what you think.
And remember, the sparks you often see between you and another come on quick …
But just as quick … they can disappear.
